There’s a snobbish attitude that cocktails only exist in order to make crappy spirits a little less crappy. But there’s another, different brand of snobbery where mixologists sneer at anyone who uses the wrong kind of glass or those who don’t want to spend nine hours making herb-infused simple syrup. When it comes to either position, I’ll hear none of it.
Not only does a good canned drink appeal to my laziness, as there’s no need for the fuss of cocktail shakers, muddlers, strainers, and juice squeezers. Beyond convenience, though, there are quite a few good adult beverages that can simply be poured over ice and enjoyed on their own merits. Of course, not all of them are winners. Today I present to you a review grab bag of various and sundry ready-made cocktails for your reading pleasure.
So without further ado…
Hochstadter’s “Slow & Low” Rock and Rye
At 84 proof, I’d thought several times of simply writing up the Rock and Rye as a normal bottle for the site, but in fairness it falls a little more squarely in ready-made cocktail territory than it does a straight spirit. Essentially, the Rock and Rye is an Old Fashioned ready to be poured over ice, and it’s flavored with navel oranges, bitters, and honey. This makes it a little on the sweeter side—which was off-putting to a few people I poured this for. I think all of us know how sweet our sweet tooth actually is, so if you enjoy a whiskey drink that’s a little bit indulgent and dessert-like, this should be on your radar. If you don’t want any sugar in your drink, then man, probably the rest of this list (and perhaps any cocktails that isn’t a straight-up Martini) might not be for you.
Cutwater Spirits Margarita
Those who get to know me will discover that I have a gigantic sweet tooth. As a dude who thinks he knows shit about fine spirits, this may be my Achilles heel. I will cheerfully drink many things that are so sweet as to be repulsive to friends and family whose tastes I admire. Cases in point: eggnog, straight Amaretto over ice, and just about anything that incorporates Midori. Furthermore, if you told me I had to choose between fine Scotches and the glorious kind of trash-grade Margarita served by whatever Mexican restaurant is closest to you, it pains me to say I would kick fine Scotch to the curb. The Margarita is as fine of a drink as has ever been invented.
Now let me tell you—Cutwater’s offering is a sickly sweet Margarita I simply can’t hang with. Worse yet, and like many of the also-rans here, it’s too carbonated, which together with the sugar content makes it something of a belly-bomb adult soda. At this stage in my life if I’m going to commit to liquid calories, I better fucking enjoy them. Pass on this gross pretender. It was so bad I’m unlikely to give Cutwater a chance on any of their other offerings.
Troop Mojito
I love, love, love a Mojito. But, as LeBron James says, “This shit ain’t it.” More white claw than Cuban classic, this weak-dick imitator is basically all bubbles. As my friend Kerrin mused about canned cocktails, “Does everything have to be sparkling?” Absent any actual tastes of fresh mint or the body of a decent rum, this basically tastes like alcoholic Sprite. A hard pass.
Five Drinks Co. (various)
Let me shamelessly plug what I think are some of the best ready-made cocktails on the market. Moscow Mule? Nailed it. Paloma? Extremely capable! Mojito? If you can abide them throwing some passion fruit into the whole thing, it’s excellent as well. Unlike the Troop version, it actually does taste like a Mojito and isn’t carbonated to shit.
The cocktails named above are all of what I consider their “greatest hits,” and I’ve bought them several times. Beyond that? The Margarita is fine, and I appreciate their attempt to jazz things up with hibiscus and habanero, but it doesn’t feel like an essential purchase and still falls short of the kinds of regular-ass Mexican restaurant Margaritas we all know and love. Their Watermelon Vodka Soda is a capable, but is still a little “less-than” in comparison to the others. If you buy a ready-made Gin and Tonic, your mom should sit you down and give you a stern talking to about wasting money. (Seriously, the G&T is the absolute stupid-easiest cocktail to make!) All that considered, Five Drinks Co. does a lot: half of it is pretty good, but the other half is fantastic. My houseguests have been wonderfully surprised by it, and I think you will be, too.
Ranch Rider Cocktails
Ranch Rider was very convincingly promoted by the esteemed David Driscoll in his blog for local retailer Mission Liquor, and I took notice. Of the three cocktails on offer in the sampler pack, two are absolute home runs and the last is a worthy fridge filler. Their Paloma is just the right mix of salty and fruity, and the Ranch Water does incredible justice to a Texas favorite. If you like Margaritas, but maybe don’t love the calories or the feeling of your body entering “nap mode” after a fishbowl-sized glass of the stuff, the Ranch Rider Ranch Water (whew) might be the drink for you: it’s a lighter, cleaner, and less-aggro version of that Mexican classic. The last canned drink, the Chilton, is basically a lemon-and-vodka concoction that’s perfectly drinkable. If the variety six-pack is available near you, it’s a must-buy.
Elenita Sparkling Mezcal
The Eleneita makes a tremendously good first impression by hitting you with cucumber, basil, and mescal before almost instantly dissipating like a fart in the wind. It’s certainly not bad, and it does have a little more backbone than most White Claw would-bes, but every sip of the Elenita is immensely front-loaded. This would probably be pretty damn good with some tacos, but its focus on effervescence comes at the expense of flavor. Do you know someone adventurous, but not so adventurous that they’ve ever bought a bottle of Mezcal for their home bar? If so, this might be the gateway canned cocktail for them. If you do enjoy this, the Square One Vodka flavors like Cucumber and Basil are definitely products that should be on your radar.
